Some days are worse than others. Some days I really do feel like a complete loser. The depression hits me like a ton of bricks and I can't get over the feeling. I wollow in self pitty even though I get angry at myself for doing it. Terrible thoughts run through my head. Things I'd never do but they seem like they would make things better. I want the easy way out, but i know its the wrong choice. Life is just moving too slowly for me right now.
I find myself shut up in my room making these four walls the extent of my world. I'll play on the computer for a little while, then I'll move over and turn on my Xbox and play it for a little while. Even playing video games makes me more depressed. The worse i feel about myself the worse i do on the video games. That's my outlet, and it's pissing me off, because some kid, probably in some other state, is better than me right now at this video game and he keeps killing me.
I had plans to go to my friends house with my girlfriend. My g/f is with her good friend who is in town. We were all going over to my friends house to hang out. I feel like i've been waiting all day for her to get her and let me know when. It's 10 min. after 9. They are still shopping, and doing crap. My friend made me feel like he didn't really want me coming over. He said: "just come over with them." Did i take that wrong, or did he not really want me coming over with out them. Either way, it's getting to me.
Days like this I'm glad I don't own a gun anymore. I'd be drived to do something terrible. Then i think, no, i wouldn't do that. I would go rob a bank. But i'd fuck that up too. I'd get cought. I'd go to jail and lose the one thing that i have that means anything to me right now: my girlfriend. So, lets just say it's a good think i don't have one anymore.
I often wonder how people get through this state of depression. I've always thought myself to be pretty strong. I'm breaking down. I'm having terrible thoughts. I know that they are just thoughts, but what about those who aren't as strong as I am? How do they cope.
On top of not having a job, living with my parents, blah blah blah, i feel like i don't have any friends either. Do you ever feel like that? I mean i do have friends, but i just sometimes they secretly don't like me and only hang out with me because i'm there. I feel like i'm just the other guy in the group and no one would care if i wasn't there. I've never been one to have a lot of friends. As a kid, my parents were so restrictive about who i hung out with that i was never able to have a close childhood friend. Only now am i learning the importance of being there for your friends. It's a little late.
I feel like i'm running a race, we're on the last lap of 20 and i'm in last place. What's the point? Just give up.
But that's not me. I don't give up. I may wollow in my own self pitty for a while, but i will pull myself out of it. Today is just one of those crappy days. I get depressed every once in a while. So what! who doesn't.
Today i have no confidence. I hope tomorrow I do.
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